Your Call is Very Important to Us, by Mark Chussil
No stunning message about strategy here. Just a brief good time. Hope you enjoy. — MC
Thank you for calling Fungibull.
Your call is very important to us. That’s why we haven’t hired enough people to answer it right away.
Please listen carefully to the following 17 menu options, as the options have changed.
At any point you may hang up and dial again. To keep this message useful we will repeat this information. At any point you may hang up and dial again.
Here are the 17 menu options, which have changed. At any point you may hang up and dial again.
Option 1. To continue this message in Spanish, press 1 to call our Spanish line. International rates and a hefty profit surcharge may apply.
Option 2. To continue this message in Turkish, press 2 to call our Turkish line. International rates and a hefty profit surcharge may apply.
Option 3. To continue this message in Aramaic, press 3 to call our Aramaic line. Intertemporal rates and a hefty profit surcharge may apply.
Option 4. To leave a message for a customer-service engineer, press 4. Please leave your name, phone number, the nature of your call, your political affiliation, the serial number of the product or service you are calling about, the name of the sales engineer with whom you worked or wish to work, the name of your mail carrier, and today’s call-in ID number from our website, in that order. To keep costs low so we can delight you with lower prices, your message will be limited to 12 seconds. You must provide all information so we can serve you better. Please speak slowly and clearly, because to keep our costs low so we can delight you with lower prices, your message will be heard by a person in a low-cost country where English, Spanish, Turkish, and Aramaic are not spoken.
Option 5. The same as option 4, except you may provide your information in Swedish. Please speak slowly and clearly, because to keep our costs low so we can delight you with lower prices, your message will be heard by a person in a low-cost country where Swedish is not spoken.
Option 6. To select from a list of our 200 most popular complaints, press 6 at the end of this greeting. You will not be allowed to hang up if you select this option.
Option 7. To speak with a shipping and handling engineer about an order you have not received, press 7.
Option 8. To speak with a catalog engineer about a catalog you have not received, press 8.
Option 9. To speak with a catalog engineer about a catalog you would prefer not to receive, press 9.
Option 10. To speak with a message engineer about this message, press 9 at the end of this greeting. Just kidding, we said to press 9 for option 9. So press 10 to speak with the message engineer.
Option 11. To be reminded by a call engineer that your call is very important to us, press 11. You will hear a soothing message and then have the opportunity to select another option.
Option 12. To hear the multiplication table in English, press the product of 3 times 4.
Option 13. To hear the multiplication table recited by R2D2, press beep-boop-wheeuh at the end of this message.
Option 14. Sorry, I’ve lost count. Hold on a second. Please keep holding. Please keep holding. Your call is very important to us. Please keep holding. Oh, there is no option 14. Please do not press 14.
Option 15. If you have forgotten the reason for your call and would merely like to tell us off, please press 15. To access this option after you press 15, enter the password, which is the exact population of Mauritania at the time this greeting ends.
Option 16. This option intentionally left blank. To select it anyway, press 16, then hang up and dial again.
Option 17. To treat your helpless sputtering rage by speaking with a counselor-engineer, press 17. Additional undisclosed charges will apply.
At any point you may hang up and dial again.
You have 0.3 seconds from the word “now” to press your desired menu option. Now.
You have not entered a menu option in the time allowed. We will connect you to the first available operator. At any point you may hang up and dial again.
Thank you for calling Fungibull. All operators are busy with valued customers like you, but not you. We know your time is valuable and we apologize for the delay. We will play soothing, uninterrupted music while you wait.
Dum de dum de ba dum
All operators are still busy with valued customers like you, but not you. Your estimated wait time is static static. We will play soothing, uninterrupted music while you wait.
Ooooh la la de dum dum
At any point you may hang up and dial again.
Ba dum ba dum
Thank you for continuing to hold. At any point you may hang up and dial again. All operators are still busy with valued customers like you, but not you.
Zumm de lum zumm
Your cursing has been monitored by a propriety engineer. Your call has been pushed back in line by 84 callers. Your new estimated wait time is static static.
La de la de THUMP THUMP THUMP
Your call is very important to us. At any time you may hang up and dial again.
BRACK THUMP BRACK SCREEEEECH la de ba la dum zumm
Are you still here? Thank you for continuing to hold. All operators are wondering why you don’t hang up and dial again.
< SLAM >
Thank you for calling Fungibull. Your call was unexpectedly interrupted and as a convenience to valued customers like you we have called you back.
Your call is very important to us. Please listen carefully to the following 23 menu options, as the options have changed. At any point you may hang up and dial again.